Okay so this is my first time 'blogging' and I guess its just my way to get things of my chest. I have friends I can turn to but there are details I miss out because I am afraid of getting judged... so i'm just trying something new out.
So I my new boyfriend has something of mine that I will never be able to give anyone else in my life... he calls it my innocents but really its just my virginity, and I just dont know how I feel about it. It was my idea, I just simply asked him if he had a condom and he said yes and then got one out off his ice-cream container that had his beanies in it.... and then that was it... he just went for it, not asking twice if I was sure...actually not even asking once. I mean he wasn't forceful or anything he was careful and it killed like a bitch to start with and then got better but it was nothing amazing. I wasn't expecting anything really different and I don't regret it, but something is wrong...
When my friend lost her virginity a couple of months she said it wasn't anything amazing that it was just something she kinda wanted to get over and done with. And the scary thing is that's why I did it... not because I wanted to be close to him or cause I loved him (which I don't) but to just get it over and done with to. Just because I was sick of everyone going on about how far they have gone and then judging those who haven't done the same. And a part of me feels like shit because afterwards I kinda ignored my boyfriend cause deep down inside I know he really likes me and I'm... I'm just using him in a sense.
I really like him don't get me wrong I really do like him I just don't think I could deal with it all, having to try spend as much time as I can with him especially since we go to different schools, knowing that when I see a really hott guy walk past that I'm tied down and there is not a chance. But I can't dump him either. I promised him I would give 'us' a chance to see where it leads us but I don't see us any where in the future just very, very far apart and also I couldn't deal with the guilt, I mean after his ex-girlfriend lost her "v's" to him she just started ignoring him and then she dumped him... so what do I do? Just wait and see where it takes us, tell him I can't any more but deep down inside I know the answer I just don't want to face it.
What if it's just a waste of time... a waste of my time! but then what if it is amazing and worth it... Do I take the risk or not.
Well that was awfully depressing but I guess it just had to be said...
Ciao!
Mel
xxx
