So I have stopped everything with this guy I was kind of seeing. I just couldn't do it. I am just not a believer in high school relationships and I don't think I ever will be but I'm okay with that cause I only have a little bit longer in it. So life went on as usual. More school, more homework, more failing classes and not giving a shit, more of parents complaining about me not heading any where in life well... I am going somewhere with my life and they just don't know it because I refuse to tell them. If they think I'm going to fail in life then I will continue letting them think that because they do not deserve the right to know. Just like I will never tell them about my social life. I can't even remember the last time I didn't lie about going to see a guy instead I just said I was staying at a close friend of mines.
Which brings me onto the topic of my booty call :)
His name is not important right now but he is perfect for me. Has troubles in relationships, prefers just being friends with benefits.... big benefits, with no strings attached what so ever. It's perfect.... there's just one thing... my bloody emotions seem to be fucking with me. No I don't like him more than just what we are now but it seems to be one of those things that I care about what he thinks of me and the things he says and stupid shit like that, and I can't deal with it so I'm trying to block them out but these things are actually a lot harder than you would think. Instead of just letting yourself go with it, your emotions and crap you have to push against them, I guess like pushing against a current. It's hard and as you continue doing it you get more and mpre tired and begin to succumb to your emotions. But I refuse to be at the mercy of my emotions and therefore I will not lose too my feelings and that's that.
Ciao!
Mel
xxx
Thursday, 5 May 2011
Monday, 21 February 2011
There's a first time for everything...
Okay so this is my first time 'blogging' and I guess its just my way to get things of my chest. I have friends I can turn to but there are details I miss out because I am afraid of getting judged... so i'm just trying something new out.
So I my new boyfriend has something of mine that I will never be able to give anyone else in my life... he calls it my innocents but really its just my virginity, and I just dont know how I feel about it. It was my idea, I just simply asked him if he had a condom and he said yes and then got one out off his ice-cream container that had his beanies in it.... and then that was it... he just went for it, not asking twice if I was sure...actually not even asking once. I mean he wasn't forceful or anything he was careful and it killed like a bitch to start with and then got better but it was nothing amazing. I wasn't expecting anything really different and I don't regret it, but something is wrong...
When my friend lost her virginity a couple of months she said it wasn't anything amazing that it was just something she kinda wanted to get over and done with. And the scary thing is that's why I did it... not because I wanted to be close to him or cause I loved him (which I don't) but to just get it over and done with to. Just because I was sick of everyone going on about how far they have gone and then judging those who haven't done the same. And a part of me feels like shit because afterwards I kinda ignored my boyfriend cause deep down inside I know he really likes me and I'm... I'm just using him in a sense.
I really like him don't get me wrong I really do like him I just don't think I could deal with it all, having to try spend as much time as I can with him especially since we go to different schools, knowing that when I see a really hott guy walk past that I'm tied down and there is not a chance. But I can't dump him either. I promised him I would give 'us' a chance to see where it leads us but I don't see us any where in the future just very, very far apart and also I couldn't deal with the guilt, I mean after his ex-girlfriend lost her "v's" to him she just started ignoring him and then she dumped him... so what do I do? Just wait and see where it takes us, tell him I can't any more but deep down inside I know the answer I just don't want to face it.
What if it's just a waste of time... a waste of my time! but then what if it is amazing and worth it... Do I take the risk or not.
Well that was awfully depressing but I guess it just had to be said...
Ciao!
Mel
xxx
So I my new boyfriend has something of mine that I will never be able to give anyone else in my life... he calls it my innocents but really its just my virginity, and I just dont know how I feel about it. It was my idea, I just simply asked him if he had a condom and he said yes and then got one out off his ice-cream container that had his beanies in it.... and then that was it... he just went for it, not asking twice if I was sure...actually not even asking once. I mean he wasn't forceful or anything he was careful and it killed like a bitch to start with and then got better but it was nothing amazing. I wasn't expecting anything really different and I don't regret it, but something is wrong...
When my friend lost her virginity a couple of months she said it wasn't anything amazing that it was just something she kinda wanted to get over and done with. And the scary thing is that's why I did it... not because I wanted to be close to him or cause I loved him (which I don't) but to just get it over and done with to. Just because I was sick of everyone going on about how far they have gone and then judging those who haven't done the same. And a part of me feels like shit because afterwards I kinda ignored my boyfriend cause deep down inside I know he really likes me and I'm... I'm just using him in a sense.
I really like him don't get me wrong I really do like him I just don't think I could deal with it all, having to try spend as much time as I can with him especially since we go to different schools, knowing that when I see a really hott guy walk past that I'm tied down and there is not a chance. But I can't dump him either. I promised him I would give 'us' a chance to see where it leads us but I don't see us any where in the future just very, very far apart and also I couldn't deal with the guilt, I mean after his ex-girlfriend lost her "v's" to him she just started ignoring him and then she dumped him... so what do I do? Just wait and see where it takes us, tell him I can't any more but deep down inside I know the answer I just don't want to face it.
What if it's just a waste of time... a waste of my time! but then what if it is amazing and worth it... Do I take the risk or not.
Well that was awfully depressing but I guess it just had to be said...
Ciao!
Mel
xxx
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